Dear CIROS #6

For me the ongoing semester was the first one I really enjoyed. It feels like the universe took this from me.

Dear CIROS is an online initiative to link students together in the unprecedented times and isolating distance we live in today.

Dear Writer #4, 

Thank you. I finally resonated with someone since the first letters seemed way too positive to me. Especially the one from Sofia that claimed that 3 wonderful years turned into 2 1/2 amazing years. For me the ongoing semester was the first one I really enjoyed. It feels like the universe took this from me. 

The thursday before exams got cancelled, the last day everything was “normal”, was actually the first day I stopped planning my suicide. I was so proud of my progress that day to get out of my depression that all of this hits me so hard. I just handled getting diagnosed with depression, going to therapy that I can’t anymore now because I moved back to my parents.

I did not even read all of your letter yet but I had the urge to write something about it. I also want to listen to your quarantine soundtrack - mine is more Rap ish. I am as well seen as the social butterfly and have a lot of energy - according to others at least. But no-one knows how often I came home after a lecture I just collapsed as soon as the door closed and I could not do anything except crying and breathing. 

I think it is wonderful that you moved in with your friends and I hope it is going well! And don’t worry, I believe that your dreams will come back in no time. For me it is actually the opposite - I was never able to recall my dreams but all of a sudden I remember what I dreamt in specific nights. Many nights I dream about people from my past - maybe things that I haven’t processed yet even though I think I had. Maybe it is just a reminder of good times in which I worried less. 

I had a lot of pressure to come up with a skill that I want to learn during quarantine or to be productive. And I hate myself for those wasted days that I cannot motivate myself to get out of bed before four and then not even look at things for uni or anything. 

What do you mean with that your coping mechanisms jumped on the excuse of this pandemic? I wonder if many people developed some new coping mechanisms? 

You asked about my new bad habits - I guess I stopped with some good habits like journaling.

Being with my parents creates conflict - because they finally see how bad I am actually doing in The Hague. But i also appreciate it because I finally eat three meals a day. I hang out with people from my high school and I haven’t been outside this much in years. 

Is there anything positive you can gain from this time? 

I really hope all of you are well, 

— Anonymous, writing from Switzerland

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